memento mori (Latin: remember u must die)

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I'm going to make this quick since I spent way too much time on my cosplay entry. No surprise there : )

Last March 27, I did something I hadn't done in ten years. I attended a College graduation. In many ways, I feel fated to have been there because I needed some form of closure on the schoolyear. This was one, cosplaying was another, and the forthcoming religious retreat will be another. All of them mark an end of sorts. An end to teaching (for a while), an end to needing to be the serious adult (if only for a few hours), and an end to sin (this is the biggest challenge -- the longest I've gone without slipping into seriously bad habits was a month, I think.).

I realized at the commencement rites how far I've let myself go. Practically the only thing to distinguish myself from my graduating students in Mass Communications was the "faculty" ribbon on my toga gown. Everything else about our attire was identical. I was the only Department Head in our College, I think, who still didn't have a Master's degree
: (
I was the only one still wearing a cap with an annoying tassel.

Which reminded me of how blessed I am to be Department Head despite the fact that I've been teaching for eight consecutive years and I'm still a year or two away from my graduate school degree. Which reminds me that I really have to pump up the volume career-wise.

What's a 30-year-old graduate student to do after a truly mind-numbing, emotionally-draining five months of nine units of Communication Management subjects? Cosplay, of course.

ABOUT THE VIDEO: I so regret cussing on stage, even if the cussing was directed at an imaginary character. That act so doesn't represent what Superman is about. And so reveals the condition of my spiritual heart. That's partly the reason why I didn't suit up again after my on-stage appearance. I wouldn't feel right in the costume. "D**n you, Lex Luthor!" is definitely not something Superman would say, and is something a Christian would never say. I'm so sorry. I apologize to the public in general who will see the video; and I apologize especially to the parents, kids, and other audience who saw and heard me live.

Now I've blogged about cosplaying before, but the entries are now hidden -- visible only to me. In fact, I was considering doing the same for this entry. But since a former student at my workplace has photographic evidence of my presence at this event, might as well let the cat out of the bag myself. I have two other thoughts coursing through my brain that led me to this decision. 1) If my mom can accept this unorthodox hobby of mine, I'd like to think the people I work with are equally open-minded, and 2) I'm not harming anybody when I cosplay. Ooh, and 3) if anybody seeing this was my friend to begin with, then they would still be my friend despite this disclosure.

All that being said, here are my pics from the First Philippine Cosplay Convention -- my third cosplay event albeit the most organized that I've attended so far.

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Some quick notes about cosplay:
1. People who cosplay come from all strata of society. There's this one kid I met who studies at an exclusive school who was celebrating his birthday that day, and would have a party a posh resto after cosplaying. There were also these English-speaking Caucasian-type kids. On the other end of the spectrum, my friend could only afford drinking water for lunch. Which shows how dedicated (and a little obsessed) said friend is about cosplaying.

2. Cosplaying is fun. Once you get pass the initial embarrassment, you start enjoying the reactions on people's faces when they see you in costume for the first time. And believe me, I've had almost all manner of Superman jokes thrown at me. People calling me Batman, people asking me to fly, people asking me why my underwear is on the outside...

3. Cosplaying isn't easy. Usually, you dress up in a restroom cubicle (not the cleanest of places) -- something we fortunately didn't have to contend with at the Con. People ask you for pictures (fun but exhausting after a while). You also have no control about how you turn out in pictures.

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Why I cosplay:
1. I live with intense stress on a daily basis. To the point that sometimes I break down in tears. Cosplaying, in my opinion, is like breaking free if only for a few hours. It's like being a child again.

2. I meet interesting, creative people. When you're in costume, it's easy to strike up a conversation with a fellow cosplayer. You forget that he's a bum, she's a student, he's a professor... everybody can just be.

3. As a friend pointed out, it's a great way to boost self-confidence.

Didn't think I'd say that about the CCP. But that shows just how it unexpectedly shattered my pre-conceptions, which were borne from my having been there one time before. Maybe it was the company, or maybe it's because we had the "premium blend" version of the usual tour, but the Cultural Center of the Philippines was way more fun than ABS-CBN. This was an immersion activity in the truest sense of the word. We weren't sitting on our bottoms for hours on end. We were moving, and touching, and in my case, conquering fears. It was a sensory experience and thrill, not just a tour.

After being briefed by our classmate Rosario Tala, Division Chief for Venue Management, about the history of CCP - its inception as an Imeldific project and the subsequent significance of details as minute as the color (red is the former First Lady's favorite) and origin (from Georgia) of the stairway carpeting - we proceeded to the Main Theater. There are two other theaters: a little theater named after Aurelio Tolentino, where many an experimental play has been performed; and the Dream Theater, host of free film festivals sponsored by their counterpart embassies. The latter was upgraded when a tie-up with Tony Boy Cojuangco's Dream Satellite was inked. It can now sit 100 persons.

It is in the Main Theater, named after the Father of Philippine Sonata Nicanor Abelardo, that we had the pleasure of meeting CCP's Technical Director Ruel Beronio, and it was here that we stayed for the better part of the morning, learning about lighting, sound, "flying" (the curtains - the term is derived from its movement), and stage. Once the initial awe sank in after seeing over 800 red seats (the President's box seat included) and adjustable barricades that marked off the two orchestra pits, the academic exchange began. Beronio assessed what we already knew about the world of theater as stage assistants and stage hands made inconspicuous cameos here and there, working behind the scenes to back up Mr. Beronio's words with actual demonstrations of the technology.

We learned that lighting could be used to draw attention to some other part of the mahogany stage while preparations are concealed in another. And how lighting can create a front wash effect, or the fascinating fleecy cloud effect, or any other number of visual elements through the use of "gobos" that resemble cookie cutter shapes and gels that tint a light source a certain color. Each color bore a particular universal number that is the standard in theaters in all parts of the world. Beronio shared also the impact such heavy-duty lighting has on the CCP's coffer. A whopping 900,000 pesos is spent regularly on electricity.

Backstage, I convinced a stagehand to show me what this acoustical shell thingamajig was exactly. It turned out to be a rather high curved wooden wall that would be pushed on wheels to trap and thereby amplify the sounds of, say, an orchestra.

Moreover, we were shown fire curtains that could be dropped if the situation demanded it to put out, as the name implies, a fire. We would see a lot more of this once we were 40 feet up in the air on a narrow bridge. Imagine me with sweaty palms and clinging for dear life to the front and back railings.

Like many other properties of the CCP, the stage - which that day was decked in black linoleum - and an assorted number of equipment date back to 1969. Beronio freely shared how budget constraints have forced them to be strict with regard to the use of CCP's own objects. Productions that buy time to perform at this theater have to abide by a simple rule. Don't touch anything. And CCP does not discriminate. Even the crew of "Miss Saigon" in Manila had to comply. Often though it is such high-end productions that bring in the new technology.

And speaking of "Miss Saigon," Beronio had much to say: from the actual-sized helicopter with a ping pong for rotors to the stage built atop the 1969 stage to guarantee a level performance space to the backstage chaos during one such run masked only by Ms. Lea Salonga's performance charisma.

Many CCP equipment are already comparable to museum pieces in other countries. It continues to astonish foreign theater thespians and company (and us, for that matter) that lights almost as old as the theater are still functional to this day. And it surprised me that for some of the equipment, no formal training or manual was available, only knowledge derived from browsing the Internet.

Budget is the usual suspect, the lack of it specifically. Items that have been waitlisted for three to four years for acquisition end up getting approved by the time the technology is outdated. As was the case with intelligent lighting which was lopped off from the budget way too many times before getting approved at a much later date. Sponsors prefer commercial endeavors. But at what cost? Culture and the arts.

The rest of the day was spent in enjoyment of the museum of living tradition where our class got a kick out of sounding off the native instruments that were donated by former CCP President Lucresia Kasilag. We also had a blast with the exhibits on display at the time - some by the students of the University of the Philippines. Leave it to the State University to come up with works of contemporary art that used provocative imagery like cigarette butts and hatchets in walls. Surreal pieces like the "PsychoPompous" exhibit were passed by hurriedly as well as the seemingly children's storybook artwork that flanked the right wall leading to the museum. My personal favorites were "The Lake of Cure and Everything," oil on canvas, and "Dimensions II" by Edelle Paras which looks three-dimensional at a cursory glance but is actually flat.

Today begins the longest week of my life. I will attempt to go as long
as I can without quality sleep to hurdle all my responsibilities. First
hurdle. Get the grades of my students done by Monday -- despite the
reality that I have graduate school on Saturday (up to four hours lost
in travel alone) and another immersion trip for Communication Technology
on Sunday (more time lost in travel to and from the capital). We will be
going to the Cultural Center of the Philippines.

It's daunting. Part of me wants to just throw in the towel; another part
of me believes that all is possible to one who has faith.

Perhaps it's premature to write a "hindsight entry," but I had to post anyway -- plus I'm trying to stay positive these days -- so here goes. A lot has happened in the months since I got promoted. I've had tremendous highs and really low lows. Despair, depression, anger, elation. Talk about your emotional spin cycle. And it's not yet over...

I know myself more now -- my strengths, my weaknesses, my limits. It's an epiphany I've come to both appreciate and dread.

But I'm still here. Through the lunacy of it all. I have a crucible to endure in the next one to two weeks. It's make or break. I have to walk through the fire now. Who I am at the end of this long schoolyear's journey is, I hope, somebody better than when I started.

* * *

It's funny. I'm a Kapuso; ergo, I like GMA7. GMA, which used to have the tagline "Where you belong." How Ironic with a capital "I" that I should find myself in ABS-CBN on a Sunday afternoon, watching no less than their flagship entertainment program ASAP. Talk about feeling OOP or "out of place."

But fate deals us the odd card every now and then, and I was there for the technology, not the talents. Honestly, I learned fairly nothing new from the tour at the Star Network since it was my second time there. Well, maybe the names of TV shows I don't even watch. There was the usual trivia of ABS-CBN standing for the corporate merge of the Alta Broadcasting System of the Quirinos and Chronicle Broadcasting Network of the Lopezes. Our guide decided to show off a bit, and added the meaning of GMA to the mix. Global Media Arts.

We visited Studio 2, homebase of 1 VS 100, yet another game show franchise acquired for local consumption from Endemol. Insight: all ABS game shows except for "Wowowee" are taped. Imagine that? The area used to house the set of "Palibhasa Lalaki." Technology-wise, we were informed of an obsolete fact, that the studio cameras make use of wide-angle lenses, which stretch images to the point where people look six to ten pounds heavier. We were, moreover, introduced to acoustic fiber, a rectangular material that blocks out sound.

It was interesting to note that, according to our guide, a franchise show and its mother show cannot both air in the same areas in the States.

Next stop was Studio 5, home studio of "Wheel of Fortune," and erstwhile that of "The Buzz," "Going Bulilit," and "John and Shirley." "Wheel" has what is called a permanent audience. No, audience members are not stuck to their seats with Super Glue, but rather they are paid to keep coming back. They are provided with food and transportation. The catch, however, is that there are times when taping cranks onward into the wee hours of the morning like, say, 4AM. And apparently, contestants on the show have a passable IQ since they have to past a series of tests.

Next we headed to the shared studio space of "TV Patrol" and "Bandila." Their sets face each other. Here the tour guide told us about the chroma board, which is simply a fancier name for a blue screen or green screen. Really depends on the color. Coupled with the right software and video equipment, the chroma board makes possible animated backdrops, which appear only to the TV viewers and not the person standing in front of the board. This is an old ploy in newscasting and, as the guide cited, weather reporting. A person doing the forecast, for example, would only have a clue what he's pointing to if he peers at a monitor beside the rolling camera. Such eye trickery has also been used to varying effect (i. e., from bloodcurdling to just plain silly) in horror movies. Think half-bodied manananggals.

Afterwards, we filed our way past the booths of Channel 2's radio stations where songs are queued by means of touch-screen technology. We emerged into the garden area, which has been used time and again as an outdoor location for shows like "Salamat Doc" and "Going Bulilit."

It was at this point, before we braked for lunch, that we were introduced (and in some cases, re-introduced) to Studio 2 AKA the mini-theater, site of such elaborate productions as the finale concert scene in "Pangarap na Bituin" and, seemingly lifetimes ago, "Eat Bulaga!"

After enjoying a leisurely meal at the station's canteen, it was time for the "main event" - "ASAP"! Seated a respectable distance from the stage, there was much to admire in terms of technology. Four powerful lights controlled by men atop scaffold-like structures provided just the right ambiance. The blaring bass of the sound system threatened to pop my ears off. A camera attached to a crane swooped gracefully in and out over the crowd like some winged creature of prey as a stagehand controlled its flight through a system of counter-weights. One couldn't help but notice the hyperactive director who fed information into a computer that would instantaneously transmit texts such as spiels and lyrics onto a widescreen idiotboard. The mobile platforms, which appeared electronically controlled, made what would have been lackluster onstage choreography in one number quite classy. All these technological advancements combined made this Kapuso stranger a little less buffeted with ennui in a strange ABS-CBN landscape populated with faces I no longer knew nor cared to know, young things that strutted their stuff onstage even as I couldn't wait for the sands of the hourglass to run out on "ASAP" that day.

Governor Ireneo “Ayong” Maliksi has a vision for the province, his “Pananaw ng Kabite,” which goes “Makasaysayang Kabite. Lupa ng bayaning mamamayan. Buo ang loob sa pagbabago. Matagumpay sa pandaigdigang larangan” (“Historical Cavite. Land of the hero citizen. Confident of change. Globally successful.”).

I would never have thought that Trece Martirez, a once middle-of-nowhere tumbleweed municipality, was wired. Of course, it doesn’t help that I haven’t been to the capital of my home province in nearly a decade.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. The immersion trip started in Imus in Governor Ayong Maliksi’s farm where, upon my arrival, I just barely missed Provincial Information Officer and Communication Technology classmate Alda Lou B. Cabrera who’d gone out to see that the rest of the class hadn’t gotten lost. After a quick call of nature, I got a better view of the locale. The Maliksi farm, located at Bayang Luma, doesn’t sport farmers bent over rice paddies; rather, it appears to be a second homebase for the Governor. Staff greet travelers from near and far in a receiving area with hot Amadeo coffee at the ready. Gov. Maliksi himself sat not far away under a thatch-roofed enclosure in casual conversation with other local government folk and visitors. Found at the other end of a long driveway, the area is surrounded by parking space and rustic ambiance that verges on quietude.

The farm, some yards off the snaking thoroughfare that characterizes the streets of Imus, also houses a remote station of DZXL558, one of the Provincial Government’s many media channels of “e-governance” (the other is “Maliksing Cavite,” a newsletter; there’s also a Cavite website) and home to the Mr. Maliksi’s Sunday morning show Gud AM Kabite. The “station” remote broadcasts via telephone line and hybrid amplifier instead of coming from the DZXL’s homebase in Guadalupe. The provincial government made good use of the airwaves that day - broadcasting Maliksi’s accomplishments, guesting a representative of the Provincial Engineer’s Office, and replying to grievances (albeit in generic, safe bureaucratese) of constituents. Plans like the looming extension of Coastal Road and the Barangay Development Planning and Investment Programming were also talk of the day.

Intermittently, miscellaneous tidbits would pierce conversation. These included the use of cues to notify the home studio when commercial breaks were pending, the intricacies of scripting a public service radio program, and the significance of the hybrid amplifier in patching cellphone interviews. Ms. Cabrera stated that while there was more technology to be had if they were to broadcast directly from DZXL558, remote broadcasts were considerably more homey.

After the radio show, a brief Q & A session followed where such techie things as 32 nodes (see picture below – it looks like a phone line basically), terminal links used for the Local Area Network, were cited as keeping various offices within the Capital connected. We also learned that 17 more offices would eventually get wired. Moreover, said server was taking care of routine operations like the personnel management information system (undergoing data building by the HRMO); the engineering system; inventory of properties; and a system for assessors, planning, budget operations, and real tax – courtesy of a one-year young alliance with EPLDT as well as support from foreign donors. The Capital also boasts of biometrics (only in Cavite among the CALABARZON provinces) and fingerprint scanners that provide instant access to attendance records. When asked how evaluation was conducted, we found out that such feedback was gleaned internally. Consequently, as plans for infrastructure expansion are underway, training of ICT officers continues, usually in Korea and on a ten-day basis.

We traveled in convoy to the next stop, the Capital itself, an immense structure fronted by an equally gargantuan sculpture of the province’s favorite son Gen. Emilio Aguinaldo. We feasted our eyes upon entry on the numerous frames embellishing the high walls of the building’s circular inner sanctum.

A floor up, and we were subjected to an audiovisual presentation hailing Cavite as the capital of cooperatives and coffee (the Amadeo sort) among other things. All the while, our famished selves were wolfing down fastfood courtesy of the local government. The 1-million-peso AVP (consisting of seven sub-AVPs) spanning 23,000 cities was outsourced and filmed using HD cameras.

We soon after proceeded to the IT center of the Capital Building where the server is housed, and where our classmate Alda shared how she helped innovate the storage of photos from the then SLR cameras to the digital. She cited how saving everything on CD and developing only what was needed resulted in cost efficiency.

My favorite leg of the Cavite immersion trip, however, would have to be the Cavite Computer Center back in Imus. Here we were treated to a lesson each from various software modules including Adobe After Effects CS3 (It’s used for adding special effects to non-linear movies. The examples wowed us.), Maya 7 (a 3D animation software), Basic AutoCAD (usually the province of engineers and architects, but we gave it a whirl just the same), and the classic Adobe Photoshop (We tried to learn how to manipulate George W.’s head onto Brandon “Superman” Routh’s body).

Having been born and raised Caviteño, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that the local government was making great strides in communication technology. If only this fire from the gods would trickle down faster from Trece to the other municipalities.

*     *     *

The other thing I wanted to talk about is "The Secret," which I wouldn't have known about if not for a classmate sharing an audio rip of the DVD with me. I saw the DVD before, at home (it's my Uncle's), but didn't give it much thought -- except for the "oh, it's another self-help thingie... next!"

But turns out, there's actually a lot of good to be gained from it. I tried it this week. And it worked, but it takes INTENSE effort especially if you're a beginner. I'd also like to emphasize that this new spin on positive thinking is, well, in my humble opinion, not the panacea it claims to be. Christ is still the essential ingredient.

Lastly, I got sucked into "American Idol" fever again. I've got two words for people wondering who to watch -- David. Archuleta. I browsed some early videos of this contender at Youtube. This kid has talent, man. I only hope fame doesn't change him.

He's likely to win.

The greatest lie that the devil keeps telling me is that I am unloved. God loves me so much. The problem is I equate His love with a life of ease, not a life of toil. God sends His angels in the most unexpected ways. He sends graces throughout the day through people. I am loved by my assistant (and her friend) who worries about me, and volunteered to help me check exam booklets and who believes that I'm good for the department. I'm loved by a colleague who showed great understanding as regards my shortcomings as department head. And I'm loved by my mother who sees the good in me, the potential man that I can become. God, I am so blind! Heal me of my blindness. Help me find my purpose. Help me accept that the thorns, the flames... I have to go through hell on earth. But I will never be alone.

...and you look over the precipice, and think that the only thing you can do is jump. Then you see love in a short text message on your cellphone, and you saw people still believe in you. And maybe the world's not so dark after all. And you decide to leave the edge and do battle once more. You decide that there's hope.

The smallest of encouragements can save a life.

Someday it may save your own.